Forgiveness

In order to love, you must first learn to forgive.

Love does not countup wrongs that have been done. (1 Cor. 13)

Some people would rather die than forget. (The Secret Life of Bees)

I've been trying to learn about forgiveness. I know its something God has been convicting me about lately. I dont mean like the little kind of forgiveness, I mean like the forgive and FORGET kind. I have trouble with that. I know God is dealing with me on this. I know because I dont just decide on my own that I need to start dealing with some inner issues. Even as I logged in to write this post, it was confirmed once again when I saw a post my amazing friend Sarah wrote just today, on forgiveness. There have been too many signs for me to just ignore this.

So, like any smart wife would do, I asked my husband what he thought. He knows me best, he spends day in and day out with me. So over dinner last week, I got up enough courage to ask him. "Babe, do you think I'm a bad forgiver? Do you think maybe God is trying to teach me something". He was sweet, and tried not to make me cry at the restaurant table. "You're a grudge holder. You never forget". Ouch. Okay, maybe I shouldnt have asked.

I like to think I know how to forgive. I think my problem is when it comes to forgiving those who havent asked for it. I am sitting here now, thinking of at least 3 people in my life, at this current moment, who dont deserve my forgivness. Who havent asked for it. Who might not even know how they've wronged me.

The only word that comes to my head right now is "selfish". How can I be so selfish. I'm thinking of a verse in the Bible....I dont know the scripture number....but it says we are to forgive our transgressors and He forgives us. Wow. This is not something I do. I'm trying to think to myself of certain times when I didnt ask for His forgiveness. Of course the times when I messed up big, and hit rock bottom, I came crawling back and asked for His forgiveness and mercy and grace and protection and anything else I needed from him at the moment. But what about the every day things? The daily things I do to wrong Him. The small things that go unnoticed. Yet every morning, I wake up to a new day, full of new mercies, new grace, a clean slate. He has forgiven yesterday's wrong and given me a fresh start. And I didnt ask for it. I didnt come before Him and ask for specific forgivness. So what makes me think I have to right to hold a grudge against someone who never asked for my forgiveness?

I have a hard time thinking that people really just forget how someone hurt them. How do you do that?

A friend and I were in an argument not to long ago. She said "well you cant just bring that up because of something I said to you a week ago and now you're trying to use it against me". Another ouch moment. I remember thinking to myself "Well sure I can!" That same friend, in the same day, accepted my apology 2 seconds after I offered it. And that was the end of subject. No reitterating why I hurt her, or why she was mad, just sorry and move on to the next subject. That's the kind of forgiveness I want to have. The kind that moves on and forgets.

Reading all this to myself right now, I'm just thinking "Am I even capable?" Is it all even possible? I think its worth a shot, and as long as God's speaking to me, I'll keep listening. I'd be a moron not to listen to the greatest Teacher there is.