Mish Mash Mosh

I have a whole lot of random things on my mind so I'm just going to start writing and this post will just be a random mish mash of my thoughts.

I worry too much. I think I have gotten better over the years, but its still there. The constant nag in the back of my mind worrying about things I cannot change. I am going to be the mother of 2 small children in just a few shorts months, and that concerns me. How can I do it all? How can I find balance in all of my roles when I have yet to find balance with just being the mother of one? I am afraid I wont be able to give each of them my all. I am afraid I wont be able to work full time, be a wife, a mother, and to do it all well. I am afraid Bax is going to feel deprived. I am worried I will never sleep again, and my husband will start to feel the affects of a tired wife who has too much on her plate and has a hard time making time for him. I am nervous about it all, how I will afford it all, how it will all work out. And I am afraid God isnt listening and is never going to give me my dream of being a stay at home mom.

Which leads me to...I need to give myself more grace. Thanks to a dear friend for reminding me last week. I've known all along, I dont HAVE to be everything. I need to fall into his grace and his mercies each day, open up to God and let Him know how very weak I feel, and trust that He is in control still in the midst of what sometimes feels like out of control days! But I struggle so much with not having to be perfect. Trust me, I know I am far from it. I am a an overweight mother who gives in to my child when I'm tired and doesnt give my husband enough attention. So I get that I am not perfect. But I try so hard to be so much and all I do is wear myself out. I try to coordinate my life exactly how I want it and I try to make my own plans for my future when I am clearly not in control. I AM ENOUGH. He gives me what I need each and every day to be all that I need to be.

I have a shirt that says "Worlds Okayest Mom". And I think its hilarious, because I am okay with not being perfect. I am okay with my kid wearing mismatched socks and needing a haircut and with my hair not being perfectly colored and I am even okay with not being a skinny mini...until I am around others who I see as perfect. And suddenly I feel like less than enough. Like I need to take better care of myself and my family and like I should be embarassed that we arent perfectly pulled together everytime we go out in public. Why do I do that? Why dont I just let me, Bax, and Bobby be who we are? Why am I okay with that around some people but around others I find myself making excuses? We dont live a picture perfect life, but when I look at the pictures of our life, they are perfect to me. All I need is my little family of 3 (soon to be 4) to be happy, and nothing more. So enough excuses. Enough trying to measure up.

Next order of business...I just have to say...Bax is my little buddy right now and I really, really, like him. He is so much fun, so full of happiness and joy and smiles and laughter and I just cant get enough of him. I want to eat his little face up every time I am with him and hearing him say "Mommy I love you sooo much, I love you four five" my heart just melts. He is talking so much and actually having conversation as opposed to just using words and all I want to do is soak up every single moment with him so I dont forget exactly what he is like right at this moment. Bobby and I really have so much fun with him and while there are lots of fits, lots of tired moments (for me and him) and while some days I dont know how if I can dish out one more spanking, I really really just like that little boy and enjoy being with him.

Last order of business...Last Sunday we went to church to hear Perry Stone speak. I love Perry and Pam, but Perry's messages have never been up my alley. He talks SOOO fast and speaks on the end times which really just quite frankly scare me, but last week, he might have been preaching just to me. He talked about speaking to our mountains and not just allowing them to be a conversation piece in our lives. Can I just say, I have been doing that?! I have been sitting around griping about my mountains and not doing anything about them. So this past week I have been speaking to my mountains, I have been telling my mountains what is UP! :) I have been believing in faith for many things in my life and I believe I will see them come to pass. Thanks Perry for the best message I've ever heard you preach!

I think that about sums things up for today. Just needed to get some thoughts out on paper so I can free my mind of them :)